I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
