I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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