Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I checked into jail on foursquare
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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