I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
