I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
