My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
