i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
