rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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