I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
