its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
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