I think I died a long time ago.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
