I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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