I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
