Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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