Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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