I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
