next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
My apartment stinks of burning failure
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
