going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I woke up under a house in Key West
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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