i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
