Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
