JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
