The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
tequila makes me forget i have legs
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
