I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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