I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
