She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
