you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
