this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
