my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
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They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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