I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
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She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
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Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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