i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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