On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
babies were throwing up all over the place
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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