Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly