**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism