i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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