i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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