can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
