So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
