you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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