remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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