just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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