they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
