You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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