Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
