So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
