He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
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he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
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Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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