I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
