I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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