Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I deserve this hangover.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
