That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Randomize
