I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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