new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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