the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Randomize
