K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
