if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Randomize
