Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
