Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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