tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
