Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
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