Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Randomize
