so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
