Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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